


Shopping Spree

by yuki_onna_sicarius



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-02
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-09-02 21:20:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16794955
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/yuki_onna_sicarius/pseuds/yuki_onna_sicarius
Summary: When a new shopping mall is opened and becomes a city attraction, the gang has fun





	1. Shopping Spree

**Author's Note:**

> The mall I'm describing is multiple different malls from multiple dreams, so it's...pretty crazy.

It wasn't surprising that Jester would suggest the Mighty Nein take a break and go to the mall for fun, but no one had expected what they were greeted with. A whole city block and thirty stories tall, the mall boasted having something for everyone. The Nein weren't entirely convinced, except Jester, but they decided to go in anyway and have their fun.

"At least we know they'll have a bookstore," Nott commented, tugging on Caleb's pant leg to get his attention. He tried to hold back his laugh, but failed. "What mall this size wouldn't have one?"

"I could use a drink," Beau commented, making her way over to the large map. "Let's see, what are our options?" She tapped on the food and drink option and scrolled down the map, trying to find a place that had booze. She was more than happy to find an alarming number of bars listed, dragging Yasha after her to hunt down the one on the fifth floor, the closest one.

"It's noon," Fjord muttered under his breath and shook his head.

Jester stepped up to the map next and smacked his arm multiple times in excitement. "Fjord, look!" she exclaimed, pointing at the screen. "In the basement they have an aquarium! We should go!"

Fjord nodded. "That sounds nice," he agreed and allowed himself to be dragged down to the basement. Molly pulled out his phone and texted the group chat, telling them to check in every half-hour so they knew what everyone was doing and where they were going.

Nott had pulled up the list of bookstores and Caleb nearly had a heart attack looking at the list. There were simply too many for him to choose from. Nott's fingers itched in excitement and was already pulling the wizard away, but he turned to face Molly.

"Go on, have fun, Love," Molly told him, smiling tiredly. "No offense, but I feel I need a break from you for a bit." Caleb let out a laugh.

"Being stuck together in a small house for months will do that," he agreed and followed Nott away. Molly took a deep breath and looked around. With no one to look around and make a fool of himself with, he had no idea what to do. He'd have to stop and get something nice for Milo at some point, now that the baby was getting bigger and outgrowing all of his clothes, but he needed to do something for himself as well.

Problem was, he didn't know what.

Being in a relationship and being a parent had really altered him and he wasn't entirely sure of who he was anymore. He didn't enjoy shopping like he used to. Gone were the days of extravagant clothes and gaudy jewelry and here were the days of more subdued colors and less...everything. He just didn't have the time to put himself together anymore, not with Milo constantly demanding attention.

A wave of dizziness hit him and he decided a good hot meal was in order. Walking back up to the map, Molly located a decent sounding restaurant on the fourth floor and made his way up.

When Molly stepped off the elevator onto the fourth floor, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, taking in the scents of the different venues. It seemed this floor was dedicated to exotic things. The scents clashed in a none too pleasant way, but he found he rather enjoyed it that way. He made his way to the noodle restaurant he had found on the map, glad to find it was empty.

"What can I get you?" the woman running the store asked, her voice heavily accented. Molly smiled as he sat down.

"Hmm...surprise me," he answered. It had been quite a while since he'd last said those words. She smiled back with a mischievous look in her eye and set about making him a bowl of noodles. When she placed it in front of him, he could smell the spice. "I like a good challenge," he stated with a smirk and took the offered utensils while giving her the amount of gold owed.

He coughed after the first bite. By the fifth, he needed a drink. By the end, he was coughing, laughing, and crying, but he finished. He laughed with the shop keeper, who offered him several napkins to wipe his face. "That was really good, but damn," he told her once he'd regained his ability to speak.

"I'm glad you enjoyed it," she answered. "Come again, maybe I'll have another challenge for you."

"I'm holding you to that," he said and stood up, handing his bowl to her.

After that, he made his way to a tea shop. He was feeling full, but he would never pass up the opportunity to have some tea. After that, he would make his way to one of the baby stores and pick out some things for Milo.

The shop keep looked up at him when he entered and smiled, waving slightly at him. Molly waved back and took a seat, looking up at the menu. "What would you like?" the shop keep asked, already pulling out a cup and putting a kettle on the stove. Molly let out a sigh as he looked at the menu before turning his attention to the man in front of him.

"Surprise me," he replied.

There was a glint in the man's eye, and Molly wondered if perhaps he'd made the right decision, but he had already started making the tea, so Molly just had to wait and see. Still, there was something unsettling about that look.

Down below, Fjord and Jester had separated from each other in the aquarium, so Fjord had made his way to the second floor. He was having a shocking amount of fun window shopping, and even went into a couple stores to find some new clothes, since most of his were torn up and beaten. He had just finished at one and stepped out when he saw a familiar face.

He turned and walked in the opposite direction of the Gentleman. He did _not_ need to deal with him at the moment, didn't need him asking any favors, not when he and the other members of the Mighty Nein were finally settling down into their new lives. He hoped the man couldn't recognize the back of his head, but when he heard "Fjord!?" he picked up the pace.

Turning sharply around the corner, he made his way up a small flight of stairs and entered what looked like a lecture hall. It was strange, but he didn't question it. Instead, he made his way up into one of the balconies when he could hear a pair of footsteps behind him.

Hiding behind the, fortunately solid, ledge of the balcony, he was able to hide from the Gentleman, who shrugged and walked away. He sent a furious text message to the group chat.

 **saltwater_warlock:** Jester, your weird dad is trying to talk to me!

 **SapphireOfTheSea:** oh, tell him hi!

 **saltwater_warlock:** Jester! I'm trying to AVOID him! Come talk to your weird dad so I can get out of here!

 **itwasntme:** maybe you could just tell him you're busy?

 **beauregard_q_kazoo:** uh, hey, has anyone heard from Molly? he hasn't texted in a while

 **holy_peacock:** this tea tastes funny, but i feel obligated to finish it. why, are you worried about me? do you CARE, beauregard?

 **beauregard_q_kazzo:** of course you're drinking tea. what's so funny about it?

 **holy_peacock:** remember in zadash when we took those shrooms?

 **beauregard_q_kazoo:** yeah?

 **holy_peacock:** it kinda has an after taste of that. but it's fine, there's nothing in here, just tastes weird

 **bookish:** Perhaps you should stop drinking it, Mollymauk, that sounds suspicious

 **holy_peacock:** it's fine, this guy can't put shrooms in his tea, he'll be shut down

 **storm_flower:** I agree, Molly, I don't think you should finish it

 **holy_peacock:** yasha, dear, when have i ever made a bad decision?

 **storm_flower:** Every decision you make is a bad decision

 **holy_peacock:** exactly

 **bookish:** Where are you? Nott and I are coming to get you

 **itwasntme:** beware, caleb bought so many books

 **holy_peacock:** CALEB

 **bookish:** You're drinking shroom tea, I think I can have my books

 **holy_peacock:** it's NOT shroom tea. and you better not have gone over budget!

 **itwasntme:** he didn't. he talked the clerk into giving him a major deal. he had a major panic attack once we left, but you should have seen it, he was amazing!

 **holy_peacock:** are you hitting on my boyfriend?

 **itwasntme:** no

 **beauregard_q_kazoo:** well, Yash and i had our fill of booze, any suggestions for what i should do next?

 **SapphireOfTheSea:** i'm still down in the aquarium if you want to join me!

 **beauregard_q_kazoo:** actually, that doesn't sound that bad

 **itwasntme:** i kinda wish duces was here. i think he'd like this

 **holy_peacock:** big guy's missing the good stuff. like this funny pink cactus

 **bookish:** Mollymauk, where are you? I'm coming to get you

 **holy_peacock:** by the pink cactus, i just said that

 **bookish:** And where would the pink cactus be?

 **holy_peacock:** uh...OHMYGOD

 **bookish:** What?

 **itwasntme:** I'm afraid to ask

 **seawater_warlock:** Molly, turn your location on so we can find you

 **holy_peacock:** I'M GOING TO ADOPT THIS PEACOCK

 **bookish:** NO

Molly slipped his phone into his pocket, missing the last message from Caleb, and made his way to the pet store. It was a floor down, on the third level. He stumbled a little, his vision fuzzy around the edges, but he made it down with minimal problems. He entered the pet store and looked at the peacock, stroking its feathers when it let him, but he started looking at the other animals instead.

Up on the fifteenth floor, Caleb and Nott were frantically looking through the list of pet stores on another map, wondering which one had a peacock. "Sometimes I wonder why you're still dating him," Nott commented as she pointed to a possible candidate on the tenth floor. "I mean, he's always getting into trouble."

"He hasn't in a long time," Caleb pointed out.

"It was bound to happen," Nott muttered, but Caleb heard regardless. They made their way down to the tenth floor to ask about the peacock.

"No peacock here," the clerk answered, "but I think there is one down on the third level."

"Third level," Caleb muttered.

"Thank you!" Nott called as she shoved Caleb out the door. They found an elevator, which was much quicker than tracking down several escalators, so they rushed in and pushed the three button.

Caleb was horrified to find Molly carrying several carriers with him when they found him. It didn't take long, the man was stumbling toward the elevator. He also had a horrified look on his face.

"What is wrong, Mollymauk?" Caleb asked slowly, trying to remain calm. He could see inside the smallest of the cages was a spider, which was strange, considering Molly didn't particularly care for them.

"I haven't seen Frumpkin in a while and thought he was in the store," Molly explained quickly, "but I wasn't sure which one of these was him!" He held up all the cages so Caleb could finally get a good look at them.

Along with the spider, there was a cat, a bird, and an owl. How one pet store had all those animals, plus a peacock, Caleb would never know. But there was one thing he did know.

"Molly, Frumpkin has never been a black cat," he pointed out. The cat looked up at him and moved to the front of the cage, reaching out a tiny paw to bat at his hand. "He has also never been that type of spider, or a canary, or that small of an owl."

Molly looked at all the animals he had in his hands and let out a distressed noise. "He's still in there!?"

Caleb blinked several times at him. "No, liebling, Frumpkin is not in the pet store." To prove his point, since Molly still looked distressed, he snapped his fingers and the cat appeared at his feet. Molly blinked down at him as the cat made his way over to him, batting softly at his boots. "See?"

"But..."

Caleb took the cage with the spider. Really, he didn't mind them, but he also had no idea how to care for them, so he started heading back to the pet shop. "We are taking them back," he stated firmly. "You are clearly not all here right now, Mollymauk."

"Can we at least keep the cat?"

Caleb paused his movements, turned around, and looked at the cage with the black cat. The cat, kitten really, it was tiny, looked at him with the closest cat equivalent of a pout, and his weak heart could not resist.

"We can keep the cat," he agreed, "but _only_ the cat." He added the last bit when Molly opened his mouth to say something and Caleb needed to put his foot down before the tiefling really did adopt the peacock.

Once he walked into the pet store, he could see why Molly wanted it, he really could. The peacock's feathers were very beautiful and bright, just like the man himself, and its movements were long and graceful. When it saw him, it turned to him and started screeching at him. Yep, definitely Molly's kind of pet. They were made for each other.

"Oh, hello," the clerk greeted, noticing the spider in his hands. "How can I help you?"

Nott walked up to the counter. "Our irresponsible friend here adopted some pets and we can't keep them all," she explained. "And we don't just want to release them into the wild."

She nodded sadly. "Alright, which ones would you like to return to our care?"

With some effort, and insisting that _no, Molly, none of these are Frumpkin_ they returned the spider, canary, and owl. As the return was happening, Caleb sent a message to the chat.

 **bookish:** I'm taking Molly home, he's definitely high

 **beauregard_q_kazoo:** shroom tea will do that to you

Frumpkin batted at Caleb's coat, so he looked up to see Molly playing with the kitten, who was mewing incessantly. He smiled and picked Frumpkin up, letting the cat climb onto his shoulders, and made his way to Molly, wrapping an arm around his waist to steady him.

"We are going home now, liebling," he said, already leading the way out.

"But I was going to get stuff for Milo!" Molly whined, trying to find one of the baby stores he had located, but finding none.

"We can come back tomorrow when you aren't high anymore," Caleb replied and called the elevator down. Molly continued to complain until they got to their car, where he was out once he sat down in his seat. That was actually a relief to Caleb, who was afraid the tiefling man would do something dangerous in the car.

 **SapphireOfTheSea:** wait, you can't leave yet, caleb! there's something on the 30th floor we all need to do!

Caleb looked at the text, but didn't reply. They were already in the car, and Molly was already fast asleep, so he just decided to go home.

Back inside, Nott was doing her best to explain what had happened. "Well, Molly really was stoned," she said. "He adopted, like, four animals! One of them was a spider!" Beau made a face at that, and Yasha hummed. "I thought he hated spiders?"

"When he first came to, apparently, he screamed when he saw one," Yasha stated, a slight chuckle in her voice. "The twins told me that. He refused to sleep alone for days."

"Was he stoned then, too?" Jester asked.

"Probably not," Yasha replied. "He didn't start getting into that until he'd fully gotten his ability to speak back, and this was before then."

Beau joined the two other women, holding a shake in her hand. "Alright, so what's this thing on the thirtieth floor?" she asked before taking a sip of her shake. Jester snatched it from her and took a long sip. Chocolate caramel. Yum.

"Well, it's basically a simulation," Jester explained. "Each month they get a new sim."

"What's this month's?" Yasha asked, seemingly interested.

"I don't know," Jester answered. "I thought we could all do it together. But you have to do it for a week to get a good understanding of what the simulation is."

Beau took her shake back and proceeded to take a much longer sip than Jester had. Cringing, she raised a hand to her head as she said, "I don't think Caleb and Molly would want to spend a whole week away from the baby."

"Speaking of babies, was I correct in hearing that you and Fjord are expecting?" Yasha asked. Jester perked up and clapped her hands together.

"Oh, so you heard?" she asked. "So, no, I'm not pregnant yet, but we've decided we're ready to try! My mama said that we can move into the Lavish Chateau with her when we do, but then we'd be so far away from all of you, so we haven't decided on that yet. But we're definitely getting ready for a baby."

"Well, maybe if things go well with the simulation, you'll be going home with one," Beau said with a wink. Yasha rolled her eyes while Jester squealed, smacking Beau's arm.

"That's not what the simulator is for," Jester said, but she had a mischievous look on her face. "It's for education and fun."

Beau stuck her tongue out and made a gagging noise, which prompted Yasha to bump her with her hip. Beau stumbled, but righted herself before she fell over and dropped her shake everywhere.

"What's going on here?" Fjord asked as he joined them, Nott close behind. She felt out of place now that her platonic soulmate was gone, but she would be fine with her other friends around. They knew how to keep her out of trouble well enough.

"I was telling Beau and Yasha about the simulation up on the thirtieth floor!" Jester announced. "I really want to do it, but I don't want Molly and Caleb to miss out on the fun." She pouted, upset they'd already left the mall, but cheered up just as quickly.

Beau made a face. "She said it's 'educational'," she explained, "so I'm out."

"I think it sounds interesting," Yasha injected. "I think we should do it, when Molly's better and if they can find a babysitter for Milo."

Jester waved an absent hand in the air. "Caddy loves Milo," she said, "I'm sure he won't mind taking care of him and showing him around the temple."

Beau had to give her that one. Caduceus did love Milo, but then again, who didn't? He was the best little baby, only making a fuss when he needed something or was scared, otherwise he was a happy and playful. Molly almost never put him down, and when he did, someone was always playing with him. Then there were the competitions to see which aunt or uncle was the favorite (Caduceus and Jester almost always won), leading to Molly and Caleb insisting they were spoiling the boy.

"That baby is going to grow up to rule the world," Beau stated. "I mean, Caleb's gonna teach him magic, Jester's gonna teach him to be a trickster, Duces is gonna teach him to heal, Fjord's gonna teach him his freaky water tricks, Yasha's gonna teach him to bench press fifty times his wight, I'm gonna teach him my cool monk shit, Nott's gonna teach him to steal, and who knows what weird shit Molly's gonna teach him? He'll be able to fuck shit up and smooth talk his way out of any repercussions."

The other members of the Mighty Nein looked at her in horror, knowing her words to be true. "He's going to be a star!" Nott declared, a proud look on her face. "We must start teaching him now!"

"Caduceus can get a start when we come for the simulation," Jester said with a wide smirk on her lips. "I'm sure they'd have lots of fun together!"

"Well, while we come up with the logistics of our vacation, I would like to do some more shopping," Yasha stated. "I feel like I need some more clothes, now that we're settling down into retirement."

Jester gasped loudly and clapped her hands together. "I will take you!" she exclaimed, grabbing Yasha's hand. "Let's go find you some cute clothes!" As she walked away, she pulled Yasha closer and whispered in her ear, "And something sexy for Beau." She finished off her statement with a wink, making Yasha groan. They'd gotten a fair distance away from the others when she felt a tug on her sleeve and looked down to find Nott walking beside her.

"Um...do you think you could help me find something, too?" the goblin woman asked shyly. Jester smiled down at her and nodded.

"Yes!" she answered. "I'd love to!"

Fjord let the group chat know that he and Beau were going to check out some clothing stores up on the higher floors, as a lot of them had more androgynous options the monk. Molly sent a text that was incomprehensible, which everyone just shook off.

Jester pulled Yasha and Nott into a store called Coochie Couture, which made both women blush deeply. Yasha's was much more noticeable, though, because of her pale skin.

"Look at all this sexy lingerie," Jester commented, smirking at the discomfort on Yasha's face. The tiefling woman grabbed a dark bustier and held it up to the barbarian, trying to see if it would fit. "Try it on," she finally said, unable to tell just by eyeing her. Yasha had a tricky figure, after all. Groaning, Yasha took the offered item, but groaned louder when Jester made her way to the underwear, grabbing a matching thong.

"Beau will love this!" Jester squealed. Nott, out of her own comfort zone but quickly adjusting, nodded her head, knowing how helpless the human woman was. It was almost as bad as Caleb in...well, pretty much any situation involving Molly.

Oh, god, she did not need to think about _Molly_ shopping for lingerie, and she tried to push the image attempting to burn itself into her mind away. Even when he wasn't there, Molly was finding ways to ruin her day.

Nott and Jester waited patiently for Yasha to try on the garments she'd taken. "How are you doing?" Jester asked, excitement in her voice.

"Uh, the top is too small," Yasha answered. "I can't get it closed."

"I can get you another size," Nott offered. Yasha passed her the lacy bustier through the curtain covering the fitting room she was in, careful to keep it shut as much as possible. Jester kept up small talk with Yasha to keep her comfortable.

"You know, Beau's birthday is coming up," Jester said. "You should keep this as a birthday surprise for her."

"That's...not a bad idea," Yasha agreed.

Nott looked around for the bustier, trying to remember where Jester had found it. She spotted it, and made her way over, grabbing all the larger sizes she could find, not knowing which one Yasha would need. She was just grabbing the largest size when she felt a hand on her shoulder. With a shriek, Nott jumped and turned to the person who'd touched her, wishing she had her crossbow.

"Hello," a worker greeted, "is there anything I can help you with?"

"No, no, I'm fine," Nott replied, picking up what she'd dropped. "I'm just getting some things for a friend."

"Well, let me know if you need anything," the woman said. She was pretty, tan skin and tall, large breasts. Nott looked around and saw all the workers were quite curvy. Clearly the people hiring for this place had a type. Nott quickly made her way to the fitting area, but she felt eyes on her back the entire time.

"Nott's back!" Jester exclaimed, handing Yasha the extra bustiers through the curtain. It took several more minutes, but Yasha finally found one that fit her and her muscular form.

"Okay, I...I found one that fit," she called out. "I don't want to come out to show you, though."

"Would you like us to come in?" Jester asked. Silence. Then a soft 'yes'.

Careful not to open the curtain to much, Jester and Nott entered the fitting room and looked at their friend. Jester let out another squeal while Nott gave her an approving nod. "Yasha, you look so hot!" Jester exclaimed, poking her boobs. "Turn around, I want to see your butt!"

Blushing furiously again, Yasha turned around so Jester could see how nice her butt looked in the thong. Jester let out a whistle before spilling more compliments. Nott stayed quiet the entire time, silently wishing she looked as good as Yasha.

Jester sent a text message to Molly with a couple pictures.

 **SapphireOfTheSea:** look at yasha!

_**SapphireOfTheSea uploaded 2 photos** _

**holy_peacock:** you went lingerie shopping without me!?

 **holy_peacock:** for YASHA?

 **holy_peacock:** i have been betrayed!

 **SapphireOfTheSea:** you shouldn't have gotten high

Yasha inspected herself in the mirror before agreeing to buy the lingerie. It's not like her money would be wasted, after all. The woman who checked her out smiled sweetly as she handed the bag to her and they left.

Jester pulled both women into several stores, purchasing pretty dresses for both Yasha and Nott. She bought them both casual and formal dresses, insisting they were completely necessary. Yasha got a pretty white dress that slowly darkened to black at the bottom while Nott got a gold one that paired well with her skin and hair colors.

Upstairs, Beau and Fjord were having a hard time finding something for the human woman. "It's so baggy," Beau complained, looking at the shirt she was wearing. "Like, even for me this is too much."

"Yeah, and those pants look like a sinus infection," Fjord commented. "Blue is definitely your color."

"But I don't want just blue," Beau remarked, walking back into the dressing room, trying on a tight black crop top and some less baggy jeans. They actually looked pretty good. Fjord gave her an approving nod.

They didn't get much, just a couple items, but Beau was satisfied. She didn't expect to get even that much. The pair made their way down to the main floor and met with the others. Jester gave Fjord a peck on the cheek when they joined up and smiled, whispering to him about the secret present the girls bought for Beau.

"She looks so hot," she told Fjord. "You would have loved to see it."

"I would have much more enjoyed seeing how uncomfortable Yasha was," Fjord replied.

"Um...can someone give me a ride home?" Nott asked. "Caleb and Molly may have been my ride here."

"We can," Yasha replied. "We're heading out now."

"Don't forget that we're getting together for the simulation!" Jester said as the three women made their way out, waving at them. She pulled Fjord back in to do a bit more shopping.


	2. The Simulator

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as you can see, I decided to add a chapter. Time to have fun. >:D

Jester had her way, as she always did. When her mind was set on something, she got it, and in this instance, she went all the way. Asking Caduceus to watch Milo, she dragged her friends back to the large mall to participate in its simulator.

Beau practically dragged her bag behind her, pissed that Yasha wasn't able to be there because she had work to deal with, unable to get out at such short notice. Molly was on his phone the entire time, nervously texting Caduceus for updates on Milo. It got to the point that Caleb took it.

"Caduceus knows what he's doing," he insisted when Molly complained. "He will be fine."

"I just don't like being away for so long when he's so little," Molly replied, reaching for his phone. The two bickered back and forth while the others looked at their tickets, which had no information on the aside from a promise that their time would be exciting fun!

"I don't like this," Beau muttered. "I don't like people telling me I'm gonna have fun when they don't know me."

"Oh, hush Beau," Jester snapped, a little pout on her face. "We're going to have fun without you complaining, understand?" Beau gave her a pointed look, but relented when she saw Jester's pout. She never could say no to Jester.

There was a special entrance that led up to the simulation on the thirtieth floor that the Mighty Nein took instead of going through the main area. It was a long elevator ride up, and tense, except for Jester who was bouncing in delight and anticipation. Fjord looked like he was dreading this as much as everyone else was.

Once they stepped off the elevator, they were greeted by some very perky employees who led them to a waiting area and told them to get comfortable. There were a couple other people there as well, which immediately made everyone even more tense. Except Jester, again.

"Hello!" she greeted loudly, waving enthusiastically at the others. "My name is Jester!"

The others waved at her with varying degrees of enthusiasm, but for the most part, it was halfhearted at best. No one really wanted to talk, especially to a strange tiefling girl that could barely sit still and contain her excitement. Fjord tried to pull her down to sit with him, but she waved him off as she continued to try and engage the strangers in conversation.

It was Molly that saved the day. "Jester dear," he called out, "would you mind taking a walk with me?"

"Sure!" she agreed and skipped over to him, taking his arm and pulling him away.

"We'll text you when they're ready!" Nott called out after them. After they were gone, silence swallowed the waiting room, everyone too afraid to make a sound. Nott made her way over to Caleb, who looked the most uncomfortable in the strange situation surrounded by strange people, and snuggled into his side to offer her silent comfort. He gladly wrapped an arm around her, taking solace in her presence.

Five minutes before they were to be let into the simulation, a man in a nice suit walked out to introduce himself. Beau texted Jester and Molly on the group chat to let them know they needed to come back.

"Before we let you in, we need to go over some rules and your assignments," the man said just as the two tieflings arrived. "First, prior to you all arriving here today, you were assigned a job and a residence that you will be using for your stay here. You are also given a certain number of Simulation Dollars that act as your currency during your stay. You will use this for everything from food to buying clothing and much more. You can do with it what you want, but once you lose it, you can't get it back. You will earn more after each day you attend your jobs and, if you do exceptionally well, could even earn a little bonus. You've all been given a starting amount based on your occupation and lifestyles chosen for you." He listed off some more basic rules and laws to follow in the simulation, but they weren't too different from the actual laws they lived by everyday, so no one paid too much attention at that point.

"Now, let's get everyone their assignments!" the man announced after he finished his spiel. He handed out packets to everyone, one packet for those who were couples, and everyone was herded into another room. "Welcome everyone to your simulation! I hope you enjoy your stay." The doors were open to reveal a small city with a couple balcony floors to add more room. 

"Wow," Jester said in awe as she looked around, spinning a little to get a good look at the whole area. "It's amazing!" she exclaimed. Behind her, Fjord opened the packet he'd been handed and looked at the papers inside.

"Looks like we're rich business people," he commented absently. "We need to get a car to our temporary house."

"Okay!" she replied excitedly, bouncing a little in place. Molly decided to look at their assignment as well, sliding the papers out of the manila envelope the came in.

"Well, well," he commented, holding back a laugh, "Caleb, they made you a librarian."

"What are you?" Caleb asked, biting back the snarky comment on his tongue.

"A hairdresser," Molly replied. "Eh, I'm okay at that." Still, he couldn't hold back the look of disappointment on his face. "What about you, Nott?"

Nott opened up her packet and looked at her own papers as Beau did the same beside her. "I'm the manager of a store," she commented. "I guess I can't steal from myself, right?"

Before anyone could reply to her, Beau screamed out in anger. "What the fuck is this!?" she yelled, shaking her papers so hard and ready to rip them. "What the fuck!?"

"What?" Jester asked, genuine concern in her voice. Molly looked slightly amused by her distress.

"You know what I fucking got!?" Beau yelled. "Single mom working at Burger Queen!" She threw the paper at Molly, who'd burst out laughing. "How am I even supposed to be a mom if I don't have a kid!?"

As if they'd been waiting for her to ask, two workers approached the group, one holding a baby bag, the other a baby. Beau looked ready to puke. "Hello," the woman greeted her. "We have your baby right here for you." Everyone looked on in horror as Beau was handed the baby, who started crying almost immediately. "We have cars ready to take all of you to your homes," the woman added to everyone, ignoring the crying baby. As everyone climbed into their cars to be escorted to their homes for the week, Molly took the baby from beau and calmed him down for her.

"You can call us if you need help," Caleb told her before he and Molly were taken off toward their home, leaving Beau with a baby and a stranger in a car. Her life could not get any worse, she decided.

Oh, how wrong she was.

She was dropped off on the south side of the town in front of a shabby, run-down apartment building, which did not make her feel any better about the situation. She hiked the baby up onto her hip and walked inside with her luggage. She felt fine knowing that this was a simulation, so there probably weren't going to be any break-ins, not to mention how strong she was and good at punching people. But still, this felt very weird.

Problem number one: her apartment was number 502, and the elevator was broken. Lovely. She looked at the baby, who looked back at her expectantly, and she told herself it was just like her training. She could do this. Slowly but surely she made her way upstairs, pulling her luggage behind her as the baby giggled softly. Once she made it to the fifth floor landing, she set her stuff aside for a moment so she could catch her breath. She wanted to scream at every god ever, but she didn't have the energy, so she grabbed her things and walked to her apartment.

Problem number two: it was basically one room. Yes, there was a small bathroom off in a corner, which she had to open to find, attached to the kitchen, but that was it. There was a bed on the floor underneath the window that looked dirty and gross with a crappy pillow on top. There wasn't even a crib for the baby.

"Motherfucker," she muttered. Finally too tired now, she laid down on the crappy mattress, which was much more uncomfortable than it looked, and laid the baby next to her. She grabbed the envelope of papers again and looked for information on the baby. What she found was a fake birth certificate, making it look like she was his actual mom and not some temporary mom for the week.

Problem number three: _Chent._

She looked over at the baby. "Little dude, I'm so sorry," she told him. "Apparently I'm just as bad as Caleb when it comes to names." Honestly though, it just made her hate the people running the place even more. She hoped that Chent wouldn't be a little devil.

Chent reached out to her, so she picked him up and put him on her chest, just like she did with Milo. "Well, you're not so bad," she told him, "are ya?"

Problem number four: the screaming. Almost immediately after she said that, Chent started crying and, seeing as she had limited knowledge of children, panicked. "What!?" she yelled, sitting up suddenly. "What do you want!?"

He only cried more. She grabbed her phone and called the only person she could think of that could help her.

"Beauregard, you've had that baby for half an hour and he is already screaming," Caleb deadpanned when he answered the phone.

"Shut up and help me!" she yelled back at him. "What do I do?"

"Have you tried feeding him? Changing him?"

Beau riffled through the baby bag and found the formula along with a couple jars of baby mush. "Caleb, there's formula and mush, what do I do?" she asked, absolutely miserable.

"Just pick one," Caleb said. He sounded tired, like he was hoping for time away from parenting only to be dragged back into it. "How old is he?"

"Fucked if I know," Beau spat back. "I'll call you later."

She grabbed a jar of mush out of the bag and tried to open it. "Fucking bullshit man," she swore. "They need to make these baby-proof, not _adult-_ proof!" Chent was still crying loudly as she struggled to open the jar. She tried to bounce him gently in her lap as she kept trying to open the thing, but that only distressed him more, so she finally threw the jar aside and pulled out the formula. She'd made plenty of bottles before, she knew what she was doing.

The silence that followed her putting the completed bottle in his mouth was pure bliss. She didn't know a baby could scream that loud, Milo never had. She was starting to miss the tiefling baby more and more. He's such a darling fucking angel.

\-----

 **holy_peacock:** everything feels wrong

 **itwasntme:** what did you do?

 **holy_peacock:** i didn't do anything

 **SapphireOfTheSea:** what's wrong molly?

 **holy_peacock:** i don't have a baby and beau does

 **beauregard_q_kazoo:** I'm about to NOT have a baby in a minute

 **bookish:** Beauregard

 **SapphireOfTheSea:**???

 **beauregard_q_kazoo:** i'm about to dump him in an alley

 **saltwater_warlock:** Beau, he's a baby who was just dumped with you

 **holy_peacock:** send him my regards

 **beauregard_q_kazoo:** fuck you molly

 **SapphireOfTheSea:** that's what he has caleb for beau

 **holy_peacock:** don't outsource his work

 **beauregard_q_kazoo:** fuck you guys

 **saltwater_warlock:** Beau, the baby's just getting used to the new situation, Milo had similar problems, remember?

 **bookish:** He was a very loud baby the first month or so. I lived off of coffee during that time.

 **holy_peacock:** we moved him into our room because he wouldn't stop crying unless he was with us

 **itwasntme:** just give it a little time

 **storm_flower:** What's going on? Why does Beau have a baby?

 **beauregard_q_kazoo:** BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT HERE. they made me a poor single mom! i'm DYING here!

 **storm_flower:** I'm sorry Beau, but I also wish I could see this

 **beauregard_q_kazoo:** i hate all of you

 **beauregard_q_kazoo:** also, my son's name is Chent. CHENT. WHO NAMES A BABY CHENT?

 **itwasntme:** WHAT!?

\-----

It was Molly's idea to go see Beau at work. He was bored by the third day at the simulation. He didn't get to see much of the others and he and Caleb were starting to get on each other's nerves with the way they were stuck together in a cramped little house. They needed to get out and see the others or they might kill each other.

Jester was all over the idea. Being a stay at home wife, she was the resident babysitter for Chent. She much preferred to go to Beau's apartment to help get him used to it so he wouldn't cry so much, though she always talked about how bad Beau's place was. She even bought Beau a new bed because she felt so bad she was sleeping on the floor.

Fjord and Caleb were a bit more hesitant, seeing as Beau clearly hated the job she'd been assigned. She most likely wouldn't want to see them there, especially since she abhorred that she'd been forced to wear a dress as a uniform. But Nott had agreed, so they were outnumbered.

"What are you doing here!?" Beau hissed when she saw the group at her table. Molly hid his laugh behind a hand when he saw her in her pale blue dress and white apron. It wasn't helped by the fact that her hair was down as well. She did not look like herself _at all._ It looked so _wrong._

"Beau, you look so cute!" Jester exclaimed, playing with Chent's hand. "Look, Chent, doesn't mama look so cute?"

"Ma," Chent answered, looking up at Beau, who blinked down at him.

"Does he really think I'm his mom?" she asked.

"This whole thing feels weird," Caleb blurted out. "He's attached to you, but you'll be leaving in a few days."

Molly nodded. "It seems unethical."

" _Seems?_ " Nott asked. "It is!"

"I bet the person running this mall adopted the baby just for this simulation," Fjord commented. "What's gonna happen after they change it?" The Nein all shared a glance, unsure of the answer.

"I guess that's not our problem?" Beau asked, but she did feel weird about it. She couldn't imagine if it was Milo in this circumstance.

"Isn't this illegal?" Nott asked. "I mean, it's wrong."

"It should be," Fjord replied.

\-----

On day four, Beau moved in with Fjord and Jester. They'd insisted, seeing as she wasn't able to pay her bills and her water had been shut off. Caleb and Molly also weren't far, so if they needed help with Chent, they could come over quickly. It wasn't like they would need them to, but considering Molly came over anyway, it wasn't a big deal

Now the problem was getting Molly to give Chent back. Though Beau wondered if that was really a bad thing.

"I just need to hold a baby for a bit," Molly insisted every time someone tried to take him. "I told you Jester, it was too soon to take me away from Milo."

"You have to go back to work soon," Fjord pointed out. "Caleb's income alone can't keep you afloat forever."

"Don't remind me," Molly commented. Chent was fast asleep on his shoulder. "Three more days and then I can go back to sleeping in _my_ bed and holding _my_ baby and everything will be back to normal."

\-----

On the last day, Fjord and Jester decided to barbecue. Even Jester was feeling exhausted from the simulation, so having a celebration on the last day to say good riddance was something she happily agreed to.

"One last day with Chent," Nott said to Beau, who was barely staying awake. "How does it feel?"

"It feels nice," she commented. "I'll never change another diaper again."

Nott chuckled and made her way over to Caleb, who was talking with Jester. Or, well, it was really Jester talking to him and him making noises every now and then to let her know he was listening, but it wasn't clear if he was actually listening or not. Molly was helping Fjord with food.

Beau watched Chent closely, making sure he didn't get into any trouble. He was crawling everywhere like a maniac, constantly trying to knock things off counters and tables. She was too late to keep him from reaching up and pulling on Jester's tail, too late to even call out to the tiefling woman. "OW!" Jester cried out loud, looking down at Chent when he started crying at the sudden noise.

"Chent!" Beau yelled, but Jester picked him up before she got to him.

"No, Chent," Jester said firmly, but still in a voice acceptable for children. "Pulling tails is not nice and you shouldn't do it."

He seemed to understand her because he stopped crying and placed his head on her shoulder. Beau couldn't help but think that Jester would be a good mom and she should have been the one with a baby during this whole debacle. She decided to take the empty seat next to Caleb.

"Alright, we've got burgers and hot dogs here," Fjord announced as he and Molly approached the table.

"And enough bacon to line your pockets," Molly added, winking sarcastically at Beau, who rolled her eyes. "Made specially by moi."

"So I'm gonna die if I eat it then?" Beau asked, a slight smirk on her face.

"I'll have you know I'm an excellent cook now that I've actually been practicing."

Beau rolled her eyes and grabbed some bacon and a burger. She begrudgingly had to admit that Molly knew what he was doing.

The Mighty Nein made the best of their last day at the simulation, made the best of a bad situation.

\-----

Yasha looked up from her book when Beau entered their apartment. "How was the trip?" she asked as Beau stepped into the apartment. Leaving her luggage by the door, Beau joined Yasha in the living room, collapsing onto the couch, her head landing in the aasimar's lap.

"We're not talking about it," Beau replied, throwing an arm over her face. "Ever."

"Alright," Yasha agreed, going back to her reading. When Beau whined for attention, Yasha started giving her a scalp massage. Satiated, Beau stopped complaining and fell asleep for her first proper nap in a week.

\-----

_~I had a horrible time at this simulation. I had to take a week off of work and leave my girlfriend because she couldn't come with me. They made me a single mom living on a shit income. I'm assuming they adopted children with the sole purpose of making them actors in this fucked up simulation. Do not go to this sim!_

_~I didn't really learn anything from this sim, which is the point right? I was living in the same pay bracket that I do in my actual life. The only difference was the actual job. And the fact that I didn't have my son with me. I was really disturbed by the fact that children were adopted just to be handed over to strangers that are supposed to be their parents. My friend was made a single mom to a child she didn't want, and the child started to actually believe she was his mom. It was awful when we left. 10/10 do not recommend._

_~I was suuuuuuuper excited to do this sim, but it was really bad. I don't recommend you do this, it wasn't worth the money_

**Author's Note:**

> I may add to this with different fandoms just to have some more fun. We'll see.


End file.
